It started out as a little girl’s dream, a vision of what her life would be when she grew up. It was in the map that she had set out for her life, a line that she would follow. And although the map led her to exactly where she wanted to be--where she needed to be--you were missing when she got there.
She waited patiently, dreaming of how it would be when you would arrive. Dreaming of what you would look like, what you would sound like, what the relationship would be like. Would you have blonde hair that turned light brown with age just like she did? Or would you have your daddy’s dark brown hair from the beginning? Would you have large expressive eyes that with just one look could see what you were thinking and feeling? Would there be the special, undeniable bond just like she had with her mother? Would you follow her around hanging on her every word like she did? Would you find yourself wanting to be just like her? Would you sit in the bathroom as she got ready to go out for a night on the town watching her getting ready and being amazed at how beautiful she was? Would she be able to teach you all the things that she was taught without forgetting anything?
As she waited and wondered, time passed, life happened, and a beautiful family was created. A family that she was extremely thankful for, proud of, and one that brought tears of joy to her eyes every time she looked at them. She beamed, watching her children play and grow. She knew they were meant to be hers and she was meant to be theirs. That the whole family was right where they were meant to be, together, happy….and most importantly loved unconditionally. Yet there was something missing, something unfulfilled…you hadn’t arrived.
As time went on, the little girl now a grown woman started to realize that you would never arrive. It was a hard reality that she had a difficult time coming to terms with. Something that she always thought would happen appeared never to be.
There was never to be baby dolls throughout the house….mourning you.
There was never to be a dance recital to attend…..mourning you.
There was never to be pink anything….mourning you.
There was never to be a princess-themed birthday party…..mourning you.
There was never to be ears being pierced or nails to be painted…..mourning you.
There was never to be prom dresses to pick out together….mourning you.
There was never to be a wedding with you in a beautiful gown…mourning you.
There was never to be a day where she witnessed you giving birth to your own children and finally realizing what a wonderful gift life and love is……mourning you.
I am that little girl turned grown woman and you....you my love are the daughter that I will never have and I mourn you a little bit (or sometimes so much it hurts) every single day.
30 comments:
Oh Hope. I'm sorry that you'll never have a daughter. You do have healthy happy boys, so take comfort in that. One day, they'll bring lovely girls home, marry them and they'll be your daughters :)
Thank you Alison,
My boys are my comfort and I'm thankful for them each and every moment of each and every day.
So eloquently written. I know you know how handsome and charming and smart your boys are, but it doesn't take the sting away from knowing you won't have a daughter to mother. ((hugs))
Cass,
Thank you so much. That is such a complement coming from you especially since I love your writing! And thank you for your understanding.
Oh my heart aches reading this. I'm sorry you feel this way. It's so hard isn't it? You know that you have a great family, but a part still feels incomplete. Hugs.
I can so relate to this heartbreaking post. I have 3 boys. There is a fire inside of me that burns to have a daughter. I'm so sorry. Hugs!
I'm so sorry for you that you will never have the little girl that you want.
Rach,
Thank you for your kind words. It is hard. There is this tug that hasn't let up, then there is this guilt for even feeling that way, and there is the over-the-moon in love feeling for my wonderful family and my boys.
Kim,
Thank you. It is hard to let go of a dream I've had for as long as I can remember. But I do know that I'm extremely blessed.
Jessica,
Thank you so much. It is something I'm trying to learn to accept. Some days are better than others.
I understand this! It's hard to let go of those dreams. I always assumed that I would have at least one girl.
I love my boys and wouldn't trade one for a girl, but I used to wish I could have a girl in addition to my boys.
Shell,
That's exactly it. I wouldn't give up my boys for all the pink in the world. But I thought I would have a girl in there somewhere.
I can relate. I always hoped for the "million-dollar family", with an older boy who could look out for a younger girl. When we had a boy the first time around, I was thrilled. However, our doctor recommended that we don't have any more children. I mourn much like you do.
One of my closest IRL friends is about to give birth to her FOURTH son. I know she feels this way. She tears up when I talk about tights. When my daughter was born she gave me a beautiful tutu. She loves her boys more than anything. But she also would have loved a girl.
You will raise your boys to be fine young men, with smart heads on their shoulders who will bring home lovely young women you will love ;) After all, my Mother in law is one of my very best friends - so it can be done!
Lego,
I'm so sorry that you are unable to have the family that you dreamed of. I don't know about you, but I find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone with the way I feel. I hope knowing that you're not the only one gives you some sort of comfort. ((HUGS))
Christine,
Oh I bet her baby boy is just adorable!! It is amazing what brings on the tears. Just the other day it was seeing my niece with her toes painted!
Dealing with this is a work in progress for me.
By Word of Mouth Musings,
Thank you for you kind positive words. My hope is to be a fantastic Mother-In-Law to my boys wives! I don't have that kind of relationship so I'm determined to make sure that my Daughter in laws will!
I am moved by your honesty here...
Having "one of each" I felt blessed; but when I consider the fact that my son won't have a brother, that my daughter won't have a sister, I realize there is no such thing as perfect.
There can only be love.
And also some mourning. I mourn the third baby I never had...
Although I adore the children I did. I do.
So I understand this and wish you lovely daughters-in-law.
Someday.
XO
I look at all the cute girl things and mourn the fact that overhals and sweatshirs are what my future hold.
I won't trade him for anything.
This was absolutely beautifully written. I don't think you should feel guilty; your love for your sons pours through, but that doesn't change the fact that you also wanted a daughter. I'm blessed with sons & daughters and I cherish the unique relationship I have with each of them.
Julie,
Thank you so much. To be honest, I was nervous about posting this and having it being misunderstood. But I've had such an outpouring of understanding that I'm really glad I posted it.
And you are so right, there is no such thing as perfect.
The one thing that we have more of in this house than boys is love! And I am blessed.
JDaniel4,
The girly clothes get me every time! I'm thankful that I have a beautiful niece to buy them for whenever I get the itch. But somehow, it's just not the same.
Like you, I wouldn't trade my boys for anything in this world.
DysFUNctional Mom,
Thank you so very much for coming and commenting with such kindness. It really means a lot to me. I'm glad to hear that the love for my sons pour through my writing, that is such a HUGE compliment so thank you.
Even with three sons I have a unique relationship with each, because each of them is unique in their own right.
This is such a beautiful post. It truly touched my heart. I love my son dearly and I know our relationship will continue to be wonderful, well I hope. Mother son relationships as you indicated are unique too!
Optimistic Mom,
Thank you so much for your supportive and kind words. There is definitely a certain bond between a mother and her sons. I was just hoping to also have a mother daughter bond, from the mothers perspective.
Oh my, beautiful written...
Leontien
newbie from www.fourleafcloverdairy.blogspot.com
Leontien,
Thank you so very much for stopping by and leaving such a compliment for a comment.
I hope you come and visit again soon!
This is so beautiful, and so heartbreaking. I'm absolutely terrified of the idea of having a daughter, but I never looked at it this way.
mamamash,
Thank you! I guess it's all about perspective. But then again, what isn't these days! Darn parenthood!!
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